Category: Uncategorized

You’re allowed to have problems (and so are other people)

How many times have to told yourself ‘at least I’m not starving’ or something similar while trying to address a problem? Or heard someone else give you that advice? My problems aren’t as bad as others, so I have no reason to complain. It’s a basic attempt to put our problems into perspective. If we feel that our problems are pointless or unimportant then the following complaints are also meaningless.

I agree with this approach a fair amount of the time. A number of things that we complain about aren’t worth our time or energy and just leave us more frustrated than relieved. However, it can be useless and even detrimental at times. It can often leave us with a poorer sense of perspective afterwards.

When we first decide to say to ourselves that someone else has it worse, we make our initial problem appear trivial. It can be effective at first but as the problems become more serious, taking this approach illegitimizes it, ignores it, and ultimately fails to provide any solution. This is a problem that I face because the attitude is quite difficult to end. Mainly because I thought that focusing on my own problems was extremely selfish. Other people have it worse and my problems aren’t worth any attention.

You’re allowed to have problems.

The idea that we can’t focus on problems because others inevitably have it worse essentially means that only the most unfortunate have legitimate problems.

The problem with this approach to problems is that it doesn’t solve anything. If we don’t help ourselves, then we’ll never be in a position to help other people. Moreover, simply saying that other people are less fortunate than us, doesn’t actually help the people are less fortunate. It isn’t a bad thing to help yourself. It isn’t selfish. It isn’t rude. It’s necessary. If you never try to climb out of a pit of despair, then you’ll never be in the position to help other people out of theirs. Your problems are important – don’t think otherwise.

On the other side of things, it is possible that we can be too self centered. From what I’ve seen, a lot of people don’t actually notice it’s happening because they’re just trying to add to the conversation. Most examples go in the format of:

“I have a problem with X”

“I have that problem and a problem with Y”

The second person shifts the attention back onto themselves by saying their problem is much worse. It gives the impression that their problems aren’t worth focusing on which is extremely unhelpful. “I’m the most unfortunate person here, focus on me instead!”

Other people have problems too.

Issues are relative to each person. If someone else isn’t as hungry as you, it doesn’t mean they have no right to worry about what they’ll eat next. Simply because we see ourselves as dealing with worse, it doesn’t mean that everyone else can to handle their own issues. It doesn’t help anyone or even yourself. It comes off as an inappropriate plea for pity.

If someone asks for help, try helping them or just listen. Don’t spend your time trying to prove why you have it worse because the chances are that they won’t gain much from the situation. They’d probably think their problems aren’t worth focusing on and never solve them nor would they be able to help you. 

We don’t want to spend our time getting angry over small issues or have problems that are ignored rather than solved. We should attempt to solve our problems instead of seeing them as illegitimate straight away. This approach makes it much easier to determine whether we just want to vent and complain or have an issue that genuinely needs to be fixed.

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I wrote this because I notice people either try to say their issues are unimportant and never solve them, or always try to shift the attention onto themselves by claiming they’re the most unfortunate. The latter happens more than the former though. I feel that nowadays both approaches are unhelpful.

However, it’s still difficult to stop feeling like I’m being selfish. Maybe I am. I’d love to know your opinions on the topic!

What does it mean to be open-minded?

Source: educationviews.org

During conversations about a controversial topics like politics, religion and science, you’ll probably hear the phrase ‘you’ve got to be more open minded!’ Those are the contexts I usually hear the phrase and often times it is used as way to escape an argument that isn’t going in your favour. It’s based on a misunderstanding of what it actually means to be ‘open-minded’.

Open-mindedness is the willingness to consider new ideas.

Open-mindedness is not accepting information and ideas uncritically.

When discussing the theory of evolution, I have been told I’m close-minded because I don’t accept the alternate theories. The story is the same with belief in ghosts and horoscopes. When you come across a new idea or argument, your aim should be to evaluate whether or not the supporting evidence is strong enough for it to be regarded as truth. Especially if the idea is being presented as fact.

For example, this sometimes happens with alternative medicine. If someone recommends something like homeopathy to help solve a problem, it’s not bad to be skeptical towards at first. Nor is it wrong to oppose it in someway because you’ve researched it and come to the conclusion that it is either useless or harmful. Requesting evidence does not make you close-minded.

It is also important to understand the difference between dismissing an idea and not believing in one. This is how caricatures of peoples arguments form which leads to them shouting ‘you’re just being close-minded!’ If I say ‘I do not believe in unicorns’ it does not mean ‘Unicorns can’t exist’ or ‘you’re stupid for believing in unicorns’ or ‘unicorns are ugly’. It just means I haven’t been convinced they exist. By misrepresenting their position, they’re rehearsing their own prejudices on the person without consideration of their opinion. Which is quite the opposite of being open minded.

With all of this being said, we don’t need evidence for everything that we’re told. Always demanding evidence when a friend tells you a story is an easy way to lose a friend. It’s when someone is trying to make to accept something as fact or make you do something you doubt that you should be more alert and willing to ask them to support what they’re saying in some way. It helps us determine what is true or false in important situations.

Being open minded is not merely about believing in things. That would be too easy and make you far too gullible. There isn’t much value in believing any story or adopting a belief just because it sounds interesting. It is the willingness to consider ideas, assess them for what they are and determine whether or not you accept them.

However, it is difficult. No one enjoys finding out what they believe might be wrong. No one enjoys having their world view shaken and disturbed but sometimes it happens. It leaves us vulnerable. Which is why many people ignore things that contradict an opinion dear to them and take solace in a closed mind.

An open mind without a filter will attract a lot of rubbish. Properly assessing what you come across and being willing to consider new ideas is an invaluable skill we should all aim to improve.

Do you think you’re open minded?

Is venting effective at reducing anger?

Scream into a pillow. Squeeze a stress ball. Head over to the gym and assault a punching bag. Let it all out.

Do something.

Otherwise it’ll all build up and one day you’ll snap. That’s obvious, right? Besides, when you release the anger, you no longer feel like punching the idiot that cut you off while driving or screaming at the person who won’t stop talking during the movies.

It feels good.

However, that’s all it’s useful for – the short moment of happiness we experience after venting.

In a recent post about hatred being harmful I explained why we shouldn’t hold onto hatred and dislike for other people because it achieves personal frustration more than anything else. Venting is similar. The idea that we’re better off releasing anger is false.

Releasing emotions – primarily anger and frustration in this case – were central themes in Aristotle’s poetry and Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalysis. But there’s a more important reason as to why we are so accustomed to it. By releasing our anger, we become accustomed to it because we enjoy the brief feeling of relief and happiness experienced afterwards.

It is more effective to just stop yourself from venting than it is to release it by screaming or punching a wall. If you don’t believe me, I don’t blame you. We’re usually told in one way or another that venting is an effective way to reduce stress.

In 1999, Psychologists Brad Bushman, Angela Stack and Roy Baumeister published a study on whether catharsis is an effective way to reduce aggression. They found two things:

1)      The belief that catharsis is effective makes you more likely to vent your anger.

2)      Those who were angered and allowed to vent continued to be more aggressive.

They split a group of university students into three groups. Each group either read a pro-catharsis, anti-catharsis or a neutral article. They later wrote an essay on a topic and they were graded. Although they believed their grades to be genuine, half of them were simply told ‘This is one of the worst essays I’ve ever read!’ while the other half was told, ‘No suggestions, great essay!’ The group who believed catharsis was effective and received bad marks were much more likely to pick aggressive activities such as hitting punching bags to help cool off.

The more important study was the second. It replicated the first but was extended to allow the participants take revenge on the person who marked their essay. Before they did this, one group punched a punching bag and the other group just sat down for two minutes.

They took revenge on each other by blasting them with a loud noise and they got to choose how loud the noise was. The results were unsurprising (or surprising if you felt that venting was effective). The punching bag group made the others endure a much louder noise in comparison to the others since their aggression hadn’t worn off.

Holding onto anger isn’t good for your own emotional well being but neither is letting it all out in an aggressive manner. You’re more likely to continue venting simply because it feels good but in the long term but it isn’t an effective way to release stress.

The next time you feel angry and want to scream, ask yourself whether it is worth your energy. Taking deep breaths, going for a short walk or simply separating yourself from the situation briefly are all effective ways to help you calm down and reassess the situation with a cool head. What’s important here is to realise that cooling off doesn’t equal not dealing with your anger at all. If none of the techniques above help, go outside and blow bubbles.

We aren’t perfect so I don’t expect everyone to change their attitude towards anger straight away – we will vent from time to time. Reducing and eventually stopping it is something that’s helped me become less negative.

Ultimately, releasing anger uncontrollably is like pouring fuel into a fire and expecting it to stop burning.

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I hope you enjoyed the article and possibly learnt something new. Changing my attitude towards anger has helped me since it used to be a fairly big problem when I was younger. I do recommend that you read the Bushman study or the psychology myth linked below!

How do you deal with anger?

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Sources and further reading:

The Bushman Study

Psychology Myths – It’s Better to Express Anger to Others than to Hold It in

Catharsis

Aristotle – Tragic catharsis

Playing violent games for a release that never comes

Hatred is a Harmful Emotion

When you were younger, your parents may have told you “Never say you hate someone! It’s a strong word!” After that you apologise, run upstairs and express your dislike for this person in your room.

As you grow older, that may translate to hating people that have been mean to you, various celebrities who don’t ‘deserve their fame’ and politicians you hear about on the news.  It may seem absurd to think that people actually hate these people but you’d be just as surprised as me. The same goes for disliking people for small, pointless things.

Hatred is an unnecessary source of frustration, anger and even disappointment. It’s something that we would be better off without and on a path to being happier and more content with ourselves. When we hate someone, we are taking time out of our day to worsen our own well being by expressing the intense dislike that we have of that person.

By expressing your hatred of someone you’re giving them permission to occupy your thoughts and make you focus on a negative part of your life.

Are they worth it?

Getting rid of hatred is something that’s helped me direct my attention towards becoming more positive. Instead of saying how much I dislike one person for a certain action, I’d just forget about them. If someone asks me about what I think about them, my answer tends to be neutral and short.

They don’t deserve to occupy my thoughts and prevent me from enjoying the positive parts of my life.

The same is applicable to the dislike we have of popular celebrities. The chances are that they did nothing to you and you simply dislike their fans. No one is forcing you to watch their shows or listen to their music. Or focus on their fans for that matter.

How to stop focusing on negative emotions

Ask yourself two questions:

  1. Why do I hate/dislike this person?
  2. Is it worth my time and energy?

Most of the time, you don’t need to hate them and if you do hate them,  they probably aren’t worth the attention you currently give them. Solution? Stop wasting your time and focus on other things. You’ll feel much calmer overall.

Holding onto anger, hatred and resentment for other people hurts yourself more than the other person.

However, if you find yourself getting angry at One Direction on TV – go for a walk.

***

I know that I ended this post saying that holding onto anger is bad but I don’t think screaming into pillows and squeezing stress balls isn’t the best way to handle it either. I’ll focus on that in another post!

I’d be interested in hearing your opinions about this. Getting rid of these negative feelings towards others is a small thing that’s helped me. Do you find yourself disliking or even hating other people?

The Liebster Award

I’ve been nominated for the ‘Liebster Award’ by Often I Do Think. Which is pretty cool and very nice of her. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t exciting – it’s nice to be recognised!

Liebster-Blog-Award-Post

The Liebster Award is a “favorite blog award”, as Liebster is the German word for favorite, beloved, or dearest. It is meant for smaller blogs with less than two hundred followers to help expose them to the world and help them discover other new and upcoming bloggers.

In order to accept this award, the nominee must do several things.

  1. Link back and recognize the blogger who nominated me.
  2. Answer ten questions given to me by Only I Do Think.
  3. Nominate ten other bloggers for the award.
  4. Create ten questions for my nominees to answer.
  5. Notify my nominees.

1. What’s the meaning behind the name of your blog?

I’m interested self improvement and I realise that most significant changes in a person’s life need to happen slowly so my blog name tries to emphasise that. I don’t expect to see a vast improvement in my life within days of trying a new habit but it’ll take months or even years for that to happen.

2. What is one thing a lot of people don’t know about you?

I haven’t written in the colour blue for the past 11 years.

3. What five words do you think your closest friends would use to describe you?

A loud, smart idiot that is inconveniently opinionated.

4. If you were a superhero, who would you be?

Mario. If that doesn’t count, it does now. But my goodness I don’t know if I could handle trying to save peach all the time. She doesn’t even give Mario chocolate at the end of the game. Is the reward for saving your life going off to get kidnapped again? Peach, you’re lucky Mario is player one.

5. If you could go back to any time period, what would it be?

August 28th, 1963 and high five the hand off of Martin Luther King.

6. If you could live in any country other than your own, where would you choose and why?

Germany because I like sausages and they have universal healthcare. What else could you want? I’d miss the continuous complaining about the weather from the Brits though.

7. What is one non-technological item that you could NOT live without?

My heart. Or a pen. I’d hate to write with crayons all the time.

8. If you could shift into any animal, what one would you try first?

A koala. Main reason? They’re cute and make humans go ‘awwwww look at the cute little koala’ and by that time they’d be under my control.

9. If you were to be acting in a Disney movie which would it be and why?

Wheezy the penguin. Have you heard him sing? He’s the friend in me that I need. He’s the friend that we all need.

You can have a half-hour conversation with any fictional character. Who do you choose?

Brain from Pinky and the Brain. I’d learn from his mistakes, change into a Koala and take over the world.

The Questions:

  1. What is your best habit?
  2. If you had to enforce one law for everyone to follow, what would it be?
  3. What’s the corniest joke you know? (These jokes better be so corny they can feed chickens)
  4. What’s your greatest fear?
  5. If you could give a super power to your worst enemy, what would it be and why?
  6. Who is your role model and why?
  7. What is the happiest fact you know?
  8. If you had to replace a main character in a movie with yourself to make the worst movie ever who would it be?
  9. What’s the best thing you can cook?
  10. Why did you start blogging? Do you hope to keep it going?

The Nominees:

  1. Decree 900
  2. The Amazing World of Science
  3. Olivia Eaton
  4. The Pigtailed Poet
  5. Perinvitus
  6. Activism Analysis
  7. Jack Zivvi
  8. Val Jepsen
  9. Life of Kitty
  10. Vamos We Are Golden

I’m going to cheat a bit and mention 300 stories because I enjoy his flash fiction. They’re great, seriously.

I hope you enjoy the blogs I’ve linked and thanks again for the award.

Replay: A Review

The gift of hindsight is wonderful but ultimately useless for us since we can’t use it. So it’s not really a gift but we’ll call it that anyway. The historical ‘what-ifs’ we may indulge in from time to time will remain confined to late night conversations and history classes.

Replay by Ken Grimwood follows the life of Jeff Winston who gets to utilise this gift. He’s a 43 year old, stuck in a lifeless marriage, who dies and later wakes up as his 18 year old self with all of his memories intact. Using the knowledge of his past life, he rectifies his past mistakes and, as you may expect, uses this knowledge to his advantage by investing in stocks he knows will be successful and making bets on races. But it doesn’t stop at one replay. It happens again and again which helps answer the question of whether being able to replay our lives is a worthwhile desire.

I thought the premise of the book was interesting and it was executed very well. It is sometimes classified as a science fiction novel (which is actually why I picked it) but I’d be more inclined to label it as a fantasy novel. It focuses much more on the journey of the characters rather than the concept of travelling in time or multiple lives. That might sound odd given the fact that the whole book uses multiple lives to make its point but it makes sense once you read it.

Overall, I thought this book was fantastic. Its main theme was captivating and it was executed extremely well. It reminded me that we do not get the opportunity to rectify some of our mistakes or regain lost time so we should make the most of the opportunities and experiences we have now. I didn’t have any stand out criticisms of the book but part of me wanted Jeff to die and stay that way. What else could he do after making large amounts of money and setting up a comfortable life for himself? Luckily, it didn’t follow a boring and repetitive path since it wasn’t a collection of stories about how lucky he was to have the chance to replay his life. I was engaged with the characters. I may not have agreed with everything Jeff tried to do but that’s part of what made it enjoyable.

Would you want to replay your life? What would you do if you could?

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I’m enjoying reading more regularly and writing reviews on them. If you have anything to add about the review, a book recommendation or anything at all, let me know!

The next book on my list is Earth Abides by George R. Stewart.

What is good health?

Good health is something we quickly take for granted.

We always see doctors, friends, family members and even adverts promoting exercise, healthy eating and good sleep. We also come across those who have been in unfortunate accidents or those who are born with disabilities that affect their lives everyday. But we never expect it to happen to us, do we? We may buy trainers and promise ourselves that we will go jogging or sign up for that gym membership one day.

But I’m healthy. What do I need to change?

Being healthy isn’t confined to being in the gym every waking hour of the day or trying diets that require you to starve yourself. To me, it involves trying to become the best versions of ourselves. Whether that is through meditating, improving our ability to write or even something as simple as going for a walk and spending some time alone.

Good health is important and we should always try to improve both the physical and mental. We never know when our health could be affected in an adverse way. I didn’t but it won’t stop me from being as healthy as I can.

What does health mean to you?

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I liked this challenge because my health is partly why I wanted to try blogging. My physical health isn’t the best right now but instead of letting the pain and discomfort turn me into an extremely bitter person, I’m trying to improve all areas of my life now. I no longer take good health for granted.

Fahrenheit 451: A Review

When it comes to reading books children can, for the most part, be split into two groups – those who love to read and those who would rather eat bugs for breakfast than read voluntarily. I guess I can say that I fell into the first group because feeling the presence of Dementors in my room or experiencing what it would be like to be a teen spy was fun. Nowadays, I read less fiction but continue to see people dismiss reading as a useless activity or even take pride in never reading!

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury explores a society in which books are illegal, books are burnt and is a story of how censorship wins over the search for knowledge. Guy Montag is a fire-fighter but instead of putting out fires, he creates them. Kerosene has become a symbol of suppression whereas before this dystopia, water would free and relieve people. Montag, as most people, continued this job without considering its implications or acting to stop it. To him, it was normal. It was the right thing to do. After all, it would be near impossible to fight against this policy singlehandedly.

This was until he met Clarisse McLellan. Clarisse is a 17 year old that seems quite out of place in this society. Instead focusing solely on work, she enjoys nature. She strikes me as the person that would often frustrate teachers by asking too many questions or raising issues that can’t be satisfied with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. She raised two simple questions for Montag to answer: ‘Do you ever read the books you burn?’ and ‘are you happy?’ Of course he dismisses the first question by emphasising that it is illegal to read books but now he begins to ask himself questions about the actions he commits. If books are the source of unhappiness in this society, why is he now unsatisfied with himself? His new behaviour is noticed by his boss and wife and he knows just how dangerous these feelings can be. Despite his efforts to hide his feelings, it is clear that his behaviour is out of the ordinary.

As you probably noticed in the short summary of the book; important themes are touched upon. The main one being censorship. Such acts have been attempted before in the modern world. For example, there was book burning from 1930 to 1940 by the Nazi Government, the destruction of libraries in Poland, China and Sarajevo in Bosnia and Herzegovina. In fact, attempted censorship is not limited in the slightest by the time period in anyway. It spans thousands of years. While the policy of censorship will probably never cease in any sphere of the world, I feel that Bradbury hints at a bigger issue.

Source: goodreads.com

Could we be doing this to ourselves? I don’t mean this to be a sensationalist assertion but an observation. Media is inescapable. We can be connected to everything and everyone at a mere click of a button and it is rather difficult to separate ourselves from it. As the internet takes up more and more of our lives we are both exposed to more information and more at risk of being forced into a corner of dogma. We begin to see more of the character that dislikes reading and forming her own opinion because we are bombarded day and night by adverts and over the top reality television. We see less of the person that does her best to form opinions on important issues because it is so easy to avoid doing otherwise.

Fahrenheit 451 is well written and raises important issues worthy of attention. My only criticism is that I did not get a big idea of how engaged Montag was in his job before Clarisse showed up.

I’m not asking anyone to become an aggressive revolutionary but to consider the problem and learn more about various attempts at censorship that have been made in the past.

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My efforts to improve slowly will involve reading more and later reviewing them. If you have anything to share about the book or my review, let me know!

The next book on my list is ‘Replay’ by Ken Grimwood.

Weekly Writing Challenge: I remember

The clouds were dark and a soft breeze stroked the grass. Maybe it would rain. The weather was unpredictable but right now; it was perfect. I took a slow jog out of the changing room, heard the familiar cheer of my teammates behind me and the daunting stare of my coach greeted me at the top of the pitch. He never said much, but his general stance gave me an impression of fear, respect and comfort.

He wished our team luck and we went on our way to play one of the most important matches of the year.

It started as a high energy encounter. Both teams fought for that oval shaped ball as if their lives depended on it. There was blood, shouting from the small crowd of friends and parents, encouragement from friends. Most importantly, I was on top of the world. Running towards the try line with only winning on my mind gave me a feeling that I cannot replicate. I felt at peace despite being among so much destruction.

Peace among destruction. A wonderful state I have yet to experience again. One poor tackle made that so. I was left to watch the match on the sideline in pain as I struggled to walk again.

It took a few months to understand what had happened. But I’m reminded of it everyday. One of the most important matches of the year turned into the most significant match of my life.

I wasn’t to play the sport again.

***

I wasn’t expecting that to be my second post but it was an interesting challenge. You can get a lot done in ten minutes! Do you have any important memories you want to share?

Here is a link to the challenge.

An introduction: Why I’m here.

I woke up late. Again. This time by one hour instead of three but it still used up the majority of my morning and I had work to get done. Obviously, this meant that I couldn’t go the gym that morning (or anytime that day) because I didn’t want to be tired all day since that would simply stop me from doing anything productive. I’ll go tomorrow. I promise.

I wrote a list of goals that I wanted to achieve by the end of the week and took a short while to remember why I’m doing this: I want to become better. While I wasn’t in the worst position in the world, I wasn’t satisfied. In fact, I was very disappointed. I found myself continuously focusing on the negative instead of celebrating the positive – possibly because I couldn’t find much. But don’t worry, I’ll try changing that today. I promise.

I promise.

This was me a few months ago and not much has changed since then. Many broken promises and failed goals later. Rather than spending my time reading about how to improve myself, I have decided to make an example of myself instead. This way I’ll have a way to keep a log of my progress as a person. But more importantly, I’ll hopefully help people that either feel like they see themselves in my position or simply want a way to become a better version of themselves.

How will I do this? 

Slowly. Overnight success can take years.

My posts will show things that I’ve learnt and positive pieces I wish to share. For example, you’ll read reviews of books I’ve read, explanations of things I’ve been learning and my opinions on topics I want to write about. Maybe some poorly written stories too.

This is subject to change though. It’s a personal blog after all but you’ll see how it develops along with me.

Maybe it’ll be entertaining too.