Category: Personal Development

30 days to Polish and gratitude comes to an end

My first monthly challenge ended yesterday. Here are my thoughts on how I did and whether it was worth it.

Gratitude

My first challenge was keeping a daily list of things that I’m grateful for or things that I enjoyed during that day. The main aim was to focus on more positive parts on the day so I don’t feel like I’m engulfed by darkness when a negative thing happens.

Looking through my list, it seems like extremely small things were worth writing down. I didn’t need to be kissed on the cheek by a fairy or win the lottery everyday to find something that was worth smiling about. A large number of the things were simple. For example,  enjoying a sandwich or noticing that the moon looked big one night.

Simply trying to find a positive thing put me in a better state of mind. Maybe temporarily. It might have lasted for the rest of the day. Regardless of how long it lasted, it was much better than being negative for the whole day.

I’d recommend you try it too.

Polish

This part of the challenge required me to simply learn a new word each day. I did that and a little bit of grammar but I can’t honestly say I’m better off. While the challenge was successful, I don’t think the challenge was useful in my aim to learn the language.

It was too passive and didn’t really force me to actively learn the language. I could make much more progress if I changed the challenge to make it more demanding. Speaking more often would help.

Overall, I’m happy I did the challenges. I will continue with gratitude and make changes to my Polish attempt. I’m unsure of what I’ll do for my next challenge but I’ll think of something, if I decide to do it this month.

Understanding selfishness

I think I’ve held a misunderstanding of what it means to be selfish. I’m trying to come to a better conclusion about why we would label one person as selfish and another person as normal or altruistic.

Selfishness is a bad thing. That’s what I’ve been told all my life. We should always strive to be a little more selfless in our everyday lives because that’s what good people do. They care about other people more than they do themselves. It’s an admirable trait that everyone should aim to have.

This definition, I fear, can be taken too literally. As I think I have been doing for the past couple of years. My mindset to how I should treat myself and others was heavily skewed against me. I thought that I should only wish well for other people because that is good. I should not always desire to have things just for myself if I could share them with other people like my siblings and friends.

“My things are our things.” That kind of mindset. (Unsurprisingly, that happened with food a lot. No one really wanted to share socks.)

Now I think I’m mistaken. Wishing good things to happen to yourself is not selfish. It’s not bad in anyway. In fact, it’s healthy. While we should attempt to stray away from being self defeatist, purposefully ignoring our wishes is unhelpful too. It doesn’t allow us to be positive in times that we want to or feel we need to. Having a desire for yourself is not bad. And we shouldn’t always feel guilty about wanting to act on it.

For example, I use a walking stick and use the train somewhat frequently. Now, sometimes there won’t be seats and I’ll have to stand. Usually I’m fine with that and don’t make a fuss about it. People are tired and want to sit down. We’re all in the same boat train. The problem, however, is that I used to think, when someone would offer me there seat, that taking it would be selfish. Sometimes I decline, other times I accept. But I shouldn’t feel guilty for accepting a good deed, should I? Nor should I feel guilty for not giving up a seat if I feel like I need it. Although, I still give up my seat for other people.

Some people might try to tell me that everyone is naturally selfish so I have absolutely no reason to worry about it. The way I understand it currently is: no matter what we do, we always try to do it for our own benefit. We’re all egoists at heart. The oft-cited example is giving to charity. While I may say that I just want to help other people, I really do it because it makes me feel good.

To me, that view is unfair. While it may be true that we enjoy the benefits of every action we do, in everyday life our intentions tend to be genuine and that is how we should measure selfishness. The last time you gave to charity or helped your sibling with homework, I doubt you asked the question ‘why will this help me?’

Thinking of yourself and wishing yourself well is not a negative thing. Being selfish requires negative intent and complete disregard of other people. There’s no need to feel guilty about enjoying your own slice of cake.

A small update on the monthly challenge

My challenge has been going well. I have not missed a day yet! Although it has only been 11 days, it’s still nice to say that I didn’t stop doing it after a couple of days.

In the 11 days I’ve been purposefully trying to be more grateful, I’ve noticed that the simple process of trying to find something to be grateful makes me feel good. There were a few days that I thought I would break the chain but I found something. It may have been small, but it was something. Here are a few things that happened:

  1. I went home and saw my parents and siblings.
  2. I finished my university essays in good time and, dare I say, they didn’t make me cry with disgust.
  3. I had an extremely relaxing weekend.

I haven’t saved the world or finally bought a complete group of properties on monopoly. I didn’t save a puppy from being eaten by a bear and I certainly haven’t landed on a triple word square in scrabble more than once. That would defy the laws of everything. But I am beginning to move away from the negative parts of my day to the positives.

The other section of my monthly challenge was to begin learning Polish. It’s difficult but a lot of fun. My favourite phrase is biała koza. Don’t ask why, it just is. I should have started with the alphabet but that would have been intelligent so I didn’t.

If you’re trying to or want to start learn something new or just improve a small part of your life, let me know!

That’s all for now. I hope you have a lovely day, evening and night.

Trzymaj się (I didn’t look that up! I’m becoming more Polish everyday.)

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If you don’t know what this is about or just want to read something else, here is the post about the monthly challenge.

30 days to Polish and gratitude

It’s the beginning of November and I want to do a 30 day challenge. Of the current habits that I developed intentionally (they’re quite small – as they should be), progressing past the first month is the best part. Keeping it going for a week or two is too short and I don’t feel like much has changed if I break it.

The two things I want to start doing are learning Polish and being more grateful. Learning Polish is something that I’ve failed to do for the past few days (or months if you really want to be nit-picky about it). Being grateful is something I’ve been doing for quite sometime but I want to make it more purposeful so I stop dwelling on the negative parts of my day.

Polish – I’ll learn a few words each day. That’s the least I can do. I should be able to keep that up… I hope. Obviously, if time and energy permits I’ll do more but that’s a small, sustainable aim for now.

Gratitude – Being thankful for things throughout the day. A simple way of appreciating the good things. I actually started doing this as part of my meditation. It takes about 20 minutes. You start off by wishing good things will happen to you today and in the future, then you move onto a good friend, a person you dislike or hate (if you find it difficult to find someone like that, high five yourself silently. If not, I hope you let go of those emotions soon) then you pretend everyone is at a table together and wish good things to happen to everyone.

I’ll probably try to update every week about good things that have happened and hopefully someone else will be able to share a good thing that happened to them no matter how big or small it is.

Goodbye for now. Auf Wiedersehen und bis bald. Trzymajcie się.

My first month of meditation

I’ve been meditating for a month now. It was one of my projects for this whole self development idea and so far I’m glad I started doing it.

At first I thought meditation was silly. It was only reserved for monks and the like. I wouldn’t really benefit from it in the slightest but I could never find much negativity about the practice. It would help with all sorts of things from being more focused to feeling more relaxed throughout the day. I knew I wanted to try it but struggled to put down the crude misconceptions I had about it.

The first 2 weeks were tough. I set my timer for five minutes but I couldn’t even clear my mind for few seconds. I would be thinking about a variety of things. The thoughts ranged from why I wanted to meditate to what I wanted to eat for breakfast. This happened while I continuously told myself to shut up.

Then it got a bit easier. I changed the timer to 10 minutes and focusing on my breathing wasn’t as difficult but the moments of quiet and focus were still rare. However, I did notice that I felt calmer afterwards. Not that I was always stressed in the mornings but I appreciated the silence much more than I had before.

I continuously told myself that it was too difficult because I couldn’t stop thinking about all sorts of things while I kept on saying ‘shut up and be quiet’. It became easier eventually. I had brief moments of peace and quiet when I stopped thinking about useless things and cleared my mind. It was similar to the feeling of finally getting into a good rhythm while running.

Do I recommend you start meditating? Yes. You probably have the time for at least 5 minutes. It might be a bit difficult (in fact, it still is for me) but the benefits are worthwhile and I expect the experience to only improve.

You’re allowed to have problems (and so are other people)

How many times have to told yourself ‘at least I’m not starving’ or something similar while trying to address a problem? Or heard someone else give you that advice? My problems aren’t as bad as others, so I have no reason to complain. It’s a basic attempt to put our problems into perspective. If we feel that our problems are pointless or unimportant then the following complaints are also meaningless.

I agree with this approach a fair amount of the time. A number of things that we complain about aren’t worth our time or energy and just leave us more frustrated than relieved. However, it can be useless and even detrimental at times. It can often leave us with a poorer sense of perspective afterwards.

When we first decide to say to ourselves that someone else has it worse, we make our initial problem appear trivial. It can be effective at first but as the problems become more serious, taking this approach illegitimizes it, ignores it, and ultimately fails to provide any solution. This is a problem that I face because the attitude is quite difficult to end. Mainly because I thought that focusing on my own problems was extremely selfish. Other people have it worse and my problems aren’t worth any attention.

You’re allowed to have problems.

The idea that we can’t focus on problems because others inevitably have it worse essentially means that only the most unfortunate have legitimate problems.

The problem with this approach to problems is that it doesn’t solve anything. If we don’t help ourselves, then we’ll never be in a position to help other people. Moreover, simply saying that other people are less fortunate than us, doesn’t actually help the people are less fortunate. It isn’t a bad thing to help yourself. It isn’t selfish. It isn’t rude. It’s necessary. If you never try to climb out of a pit of despair, then you’ll never be in the position to help other people out of theirs. Your problems are important – don’t think otherwise.

On the other side of things, it is possible that we can be too self centered. From what I’ve seen, a lot of people don’t actually notice it’s happening because they’re just trying to add to the conversation. Most examples go in the format of:

“I have a problem with X”

“I have that problem and a problem with Y”

The second person shifts the attention back onto themselves by saying their problem is much worse. It gives the impression that their problems aren’t worth focusing on which is extremely unhelpful. “I’m the most unfortunate person here, focus on me instead!”

Other people have problems too.

Issues are relative to each person. If someone else isn’t as hungry as you, it doesn’t mean they have no right to worry about what they’ll eat next. Simply because we see ourselves as dealing with worse, it doesn’t mean that everyone else can to handle their own issues. It doesn’t help anyone or even yourself. It comes off as an inappropriate plea for pity.

If someone asks for help, try helping them or just listen. Don’t spend your time trying to prove why you have it worse because the chances are that they won’t gain much from the situation. They’d probably think their problems aren’t worth focusing on and never solve them nor would they be able to help you. 

We don’t want to spend our time getting angry over small issues or have problems that are ignored rather than solved. We should attempt to solve our problems instead of seeing them as illegitimate straight away. This approach makes it much easier to determine whether we just want to vent and complain or have an issue that genuinely needs to be fixed.

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I wrote this because I notice people either try to say their issues are unimportant and never solve them, or always try to shift the attention onto themselves by claiming they’re the most unfortunate. The latter happens more than the former though. I feel that nowadays both approaches are unhelpful.

However, it’s still difficult to stop feeling like I’m being selfish. Maybe I am. I’d love to know your opinions on the topic!

What does it mean to be open-minded?

Source: educationviews.org

During conversations about a controversial topics like politics, religion and science, you’ll probably hear the phrase ‘you’ve got to be more open minded!’ Those are the contexts I usually hear the phrase and often times it is used as way to escape an argument that isn’t going in your favour. It’s based on a misunderstanding of what it actually means to be ‘open-minded’.

Open-mindedness is the willingness to consider new ideas.

Open-mindedness is not accepting information and ideas uncritically.

When discussing the theory of evolution, I have been told I’m close-minded because I don’t accept the alternate theories. The story is the same with belief in ghosts and horoscopes. When you come across a new idea or argument, your aim should be to evaluate whether or not the supporting evidence is strong enough for it to be regarded as truth. Especially if the idea is being presented as fact.

For example, this sometimes happens with alternative medicine. If someone recommends something like homeopathy to help solve a problem, it’s not bad to be skeptical towards at first. Nor is it wrong to oppose it in someway because you’ve researched it and come to the conclusion that it is either useless or harmful. Requesting evidence does not make you close-minded.

It is also important to understand the difference between dismissing an idea and not believing in one. This is how caricatures of peoples arguments form which leads to them shouting ‘you’re just being close-minded!’ If I say ‘I do not believe in unicorns’ it does not mean ‘Unicorns can’t exist’ or ‘you’re stupid for believing in unicorns’ or ‘unicorns are ugly’. It just means I haven’t been convinced they exist. By misrepresenting their position, they’re rehearsing their own prejudices on the person without consideration of their opinion. Which is quite the opposite of being open minded.

With all of this being said, we don’t need evidence for everything that we’re told. Always demanding evidence when a friend tells you a story is an easy way to lose a friend. It’s when someone is trying to make to accept something as fact or make you do something you doubt that you should be more alert and willing to ask them to support what they’re saying in some way. It helps us determine what is true or false in important situations.

Being open minded is not merely about believing in things. That would be too easy and make you far too gullible. There isn’t much value in believing any story or adopting a belief just because it sounds interesting. It is the willingness to consider ideas, assess them for what they are and determine whether or not you accept them.

However, it is difficult. No one enjoys finding out what they believe might be wrong. No one enjoys having their world view shaken and disturbed but sometimes it happens. It leaves us vulnerable. Which is why many people ignore things that contradict an opinion dear to them and take solace in a closed mind.

An open mind without a filter will attract a lot of rubbish. Properly assessing what you come across and being willing to consider new ideas is an invaluable skill we should all aim to improve.

Do you think you’re open minded?

Is venting effective at reducing anger?

Scream into a pillow. Squeeze a stress ball. Head over to the gym and assault a punching bag. Let it all out.

Do something.

Otherwise it’ll all build up and one day you’ll snap. That’s obvious, right? Besides, when you release the anger, you no longer feel like punching the idiot that cut you off while driving or screaming at the person who won’t stop talking during the movies.

It feels good.

However, that’s all it’s useful for – the short moment of happiness we experience after venting.

In a recent post about hatred being harmful I explained why we shouldn’t hold onto hatred and dislike for other people because it achieves personal frustration more than anything else. Venting is similar. The idea that we’re better off releasing anger is false.

Releasing emotions – primarily anger and frustration in this case – were central themes in Aristotle’s poetry and Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalysis. But there’s a more important reason as to why we are so accustomed to it. By releasing our anger, we become accustomed to it because we enjoy the brief feeling of relief and happiness experienced afterwards.

It is more effective to just stop yourself from venting than it is to release it by screaming or punching a wall. If you don’t believe me, I don’t blame you. We’re usually told in one way or another that venting is an effective way to reduce stress.

In 1999, Psychologists Brad Bushman, Angela Stack and Roy Baumeister published a study on whether catharsis is an effective way to reduce aggression. They found two things:

1)      The belief that catharsis is effective makes you more likely to vent your anger.

2)      Those who were angered and allowed to vent continued to be more aggressive.

They split a group of university students into three groups. Each group either read a pro-catharsis, anti-catharsis or a neutral article. They later wrote an essay on a topic and they were graded. Although they believed their grades to be genuine, half of them were simply told ‘This is one of the worst essays I’ve ever read!’ while the other half was told, ‘No suggestions, great essay!’ The group who believed catharsis was effective and received bad marks were much more likely to pick aggressive activities such as hitting punching bags to help cool off.

The more important study was the second. It replicated the first but was extended to allow the participants take revenge on the person who marked their essay. Before they did this, one group punched a punching bag and the other group just sat down for two minutes.

They took revenge on each other by blasting them with a loud noise and they got to choose how loud the noise was. The results were unsurprising (or surprising if you felt that venting was effective). The punching bag group made the others endure a much louder noise in comparison to the others since their aggression hadn’t worn off.

Holding onto anger isn’t good for your own emotional well being but neither is letting it all out in an aggressive manner. You’re more likely to continue venting simply because it feels good but in the long term but it isn’t an effective way to release stress.

The next time you feel angry and want to scream, ask yourself whether it is worth your energy. Taking deep breaths, going for a short walk or simply separating yourself from the situation briefly are all effective ways to help you calm down and reassess the situation with a cool head. What’s important here is to realise that cooling off doesn’t equal not dealing with your anger at all. If none of the techniques above help, go outside and blow bubbles.

We aren’t perfect so I don’t expect everyone to change their attitude towards anger straight away – we will vent from time to time. Reducing and eventually stopping it is something that’s helped me become less negative.

Ultimately, releasing anger uncontrollably is like pouring fuel into a fire and expecting it to stop burning.

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I hope you enjoyed the article and possibly learnt something new. Changing my attitude towards anger has helped me since it used to be a fairly big problem when I was younger. I do recommend that you read the Bushman study or the psychology myth linked below!

How do you deal with anger?

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Sources and further reading:

The Bushman Study

Psychology Myths – It’s Better to Express Anger to Others than to Hold It in

Catharsis

Aristotle – Tragic catharsis

Playing violent games for a release that never comes

Hatred is a Harmful Emotion

When you were younger, your parents may have told you “Never say you hate someone! It’s a strong word!” After that you apologise, run upstairs and express your dislike for this person in your room.

As you grow older, that may translate to hating people that have been mean to you, various celebrities who don’t ‘deserve their fame’ and politicians you hear about on the news.  It may seem absurd to think that people actually hate these people but you’d be just as surprised as me. The same goes for disliking people for small, pointless things.

Hatred is an unnecessary source of frustration, anger and even disappointment. It’s something that we would be better off without and on a path to being happier and more content with ourselves. When we hate someone, we are taking time out of our day to worsen our own well being by expressing the intense dislike that we have of that person.

By expressing your hatred of someone you’re giving them permission to occupy your thoughts and make you focus on a negative part of your life.

Are they worth it?

Getting rid of hatred is something that’s helped me direct my attention towards becoming more positive. Instead of saying how much I dislike one person for a certain action, I’d just forget about them. If someone asks me about what I think about them, my answer tends to be neutral and short.

They don’t deserve to occupy my thoughts and prevent me from enjoying the positive parts of my life.

The same is applicable to the dislike we have of popular celebrities. The chances are that they did nothing to you and you simply dislike their fans. No one is forcing you to watch their shows or listen to their music. Or focus on their fans for that matter.

How to stop focusing on negative emotions

Ask yourself two questions:

  1. Why do I hate/dislike this person?
  2. Is it worth my time and energy?

Most of the time, you don’t need to hate them and if you do hate them,  they probably aren’t worth the attention you currently give them. Solution? Stop wasting your time and focus on other things. You’ll feel much calmer overall.

Holding onto anger, hatred and resentment for other people hurts yourself more than the other person.

However, if you find yourself getting angry at One Direction on TV – go for a walk.

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I know that I ended this post saying that holding onto anger is bad but I don’t think screaming into pillows and squeezing stress balls isn’t the best way to handle it either. I’ll focus on that in another post!

I’d be interested in hearing your opinions about this. Getting rid of these negative feelings towards others is a small thing that’s helped me. Do you find yourself disliking or even hating other people?

What is good health?

Good health is something we quickly take for granted.

We always see doctors, friends, family members and even adverts promoting exercise, healthy eating and good sleep. We also come across those who have been in unfortunate accidents or those who are born with disabilities that affect their lives everyday. But we never expect it to happen to us, do we? We may buy trainers and promise ourselves that we will go jogging or sign up for that gym membership one day.

But I’m healthy. What do I need to change?

Being healthy isn’t confined to being in the gym every waking hour of the day or trying diets that require you to starve yourself. To me, it involves trying to become the best versions of ourselves. Whether that is through meditating, improving our ability to write or even something as simple as going for a walk and spending some time alone.

Good health is important and we should always try to improve both the physical and mental. We never know when our health could be affected in an adverse way. I didn’t but it won’t stop me from being as healthy as I can.

What does health mean to you?

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I liked this challenge because my health is partly why I wanted to try blogging. My physical health isn’t the best right now but instead of letting the pain and discomfort turn me into an extremely bitter person, I’m trying to improve all areas of my life now. I no longer take good health for granted.