How to Find Peace in Sadness

Avoiding difficult emotions is a normal reaction.

If we’re sad, we want to be happy.

If we’re frustrated, we wish we weren’t.

If we’re disappointed, we want to feel fulfilled again.

When the blues come calling, we want to get away from this state as quickly as possible.

How do we confront these difficult emotions instead of letting them generate fear and anxiety? How do we watch them and accept that they’re a normal part of our lives?

1. Accept different emotions are normal

This seems painfully obvious but it’s worth the reminder. We can’t be happy all the time nor can we be extremely peaceful all the time.

Accepting this can be key to feeling OK and feeling satisfied. It’s all part of the ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows.

When we slowly come to accept this, we offer less resistance towards ourselves in moments of difficulty. This can actually cause these negative emotions to leave us quicker.

We’ll experience different emotions all the time. And that’s perfectly fine.

2. Greet your sadness as a friend

I first came across this idea from Toni Bernhard who recommends that we see our emotions as friends that have come to stay – usually uninvited.

Even though we may be annoyed by this in real life, we can still treat them with kindness and in turn we treat ourselves with kindness.

The idea behind this is simple: if we treat our emotions as friends, we treat ourselves with compassion. Sadness feeds off sadness. With compassion, sadness gets bored and leaves. Maybe next time he won’t stay as long!

Quiet contemplation I suppose. Maybe he’s saying hello to sadness. Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

3. Don’t order yourself around

“I shouldn’t feel sad!”

“I shouldn’t feel angry, it was a meaningless interaction!”

“I shouldn’t feel this or that – I should only feel that!”

Now imagine saying this to a child about happiness … or anything else.

Why should we feel any kind of way? We can literally just experience emotions without trying to invalidate them.

Plus if we order ourselves to stop feeling a particular way, it’s just a first class ticket to feeling sad again!

Try removing the word “should” from your sentences when talking about how you feel. Accept them and with time, it’ll leave.

(That’s why stuff like “just be happy!” is pretty meaningless or worse yet, detrimental to actually feeling happy. Who wants to be under pressure to smile!)

“I’m not a human… that’s pretty cool. I also don’t know why I’ve been included here but that’s fine.”

4. Let yourself be vulnerable

Often, a reason why we struggle to accept different emotions is because we’re trying to present ourself in a particular light. Whether that’s to our friends or family. Or towards ourselves.

But with some privacy, we can experience whatever we want.

Dismiss the “I must be strong” mindset because sadness, crying, frustration aren’t signs of weakness!

If you fall, we’ll catch you :)

And with this, we can find some peace in sadness. We don’t exhaust ourselves running away because that just means it’ll keep chasing us. Rather, we accept it’s a normal experience and most importantly:

Sadness, like all moods and emotions, are impermanent.

As always, thank you for reading!

My question for you is:

How do you handle sadness? Do you think it’s healthy?

You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook for more updates!

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How Do I Stay Mindful When the Present Isn’t Pleasant?

“If you notice any uncomfortable feelings while you’re trying to meditate, just invite them in”

Now why on earth would I want to do that?! That’s stupid.

“Inviting discomfort is one way to learn how to stop fighting against them and accept them”

Well I don’t want to accept this – that makes me feel like I’m giving up. Plus, it’s just shitty.

That was my thought process while listening to a guided meditation during a group session. Thankfully all of these thoughts stayed in my head – otherwise I would have disturbed a lot of people… and insulted the teacher.

Sometimes, the present just sucks.

My last post gave us four reasons why we should try to live in the present moment. I pushed against the idea that mindfulness always leads to a special kind of calm – especially if you only meditate once, for example.

The little dialogue above demonstrated the personal resistance I had towards living in the present when the present becomes difficult. It’s normal to mentally check out of difficulty when we come across it because it’s normal to want to do the easier thing.

However, it isn’t always better for us. It can quickly lead to more stressful thinking patterns that make us feel worse. If I feel sad, it might be easier to start thinking about why I feel sad and what could have caused it and dig our way down that rabbit hole. Or I may try to distract myself and never address the thinking that consistently causes me to feel bad about something.

For example, you may begin to feel bad at school or work because you’re unknowingly comparing yourself to others. Even though it rests on a mistake.

You may become angry because you feel that you should be able to control something but with a bit more thinking, you’d find that most of it was out of your control.

And it goes on. How do we manage this?

How to stay mindful when the present isn’t pleasant

Acknowledge it’ll feel uncomfortable

You can say this aloud if you want. Negative emotional or physical feelings suck but we often begin our resistance here by refusing to admit that sometimes you’ll just feel uncomfortable.

It’s not always fair nor does it always have a grand lesson at the end. Acknowledging the discomfort is the first step to prevent our mind from running away from the uncomfortable.

This does not mean you’re giving in. It’s like observing a fact that’s simply happening.

“I’m in pain, yes but this does not mean I want to be in pain”

2. Remove yourself from the story and remove judgement – make everything neutral

Toni Bernhard in, How to Live with Chronic Illness, teaches a skill that I’ve found simple but useful.

Stop judging the moment and just describe it.

If you’re in pain try saying “pain is happening” rather than “I am in so much pain”.

If you’re sad, try “Sadness is present” rather than “I am in the darkness again”.

If you’ve experienced disappointment, try “Disappointment is present” rather than “I was really let down by my friend”.

I’ve found this takes away some of the bite from the negative emotions that arise and reduce the suffering that we can easily add-on top of ourselves. It gives us the opportunity to watch the emotion rather than feed it with more negativity.

This isn’t lying to yourself.

3. Ask yourself these four questions (and another one at the end):

To help halt stressful thoughts, it may be worthwhile to asking yourself these questions offered by Byron Katie:

Is the thought true?
Am I absolutely sure it is true?
How do I feel when I think the thought?
Who would I be without the thought?
Then turn it around – what if something else is the case?

This helps us respond skillfully to stressful thoughts that make the pleasant moment uncomfortable. Let’s go through this together with an example:

My thought here is that I am incapable of creating good work so I should never try.

Is the thought true?

Yes, I’m writing this right now and it’s terrible – so many mistakes!

2. Am I absolutely sure it is true?

Perhaps not – I have a bad habit of being a harsh critic who refuses to see the good.

3. How do I feel when I think the thought?

I feel disappointed and angry. I’m trying my best to create high quality work but my efforts don’t pay off. I become angry because I seem to be wasting my time.

4. Who would I be without the thought?

A person who creates without expectation. A person who tries their best because they believe that is the most useful way to stick to their own values.

5. The turnaround – how can the story be changed?

Here, we change the story slightly just to see what other possibilities are out there. Then think of reasons why it might be true.

Now, what if I’m a person who creates helpful work and has the ability to get better if he keeps trying?

My blog posts have improved from a few years ago and I’m more comfortable in my own voice.
If I never try, I’ll never have the opportunity to improve.
My academic writing is better than it was when I started.

Will you always believe this turnaround? No. Sometimes you’ll need someone else to tell you these things. But it’s a start – and a reminder that the negative thought you have now isn’t the only possibility in the world.

4. Remember, it takes practice.

I’ve written these pointers in the hopes that you’ll be able to live in the present even when it’s difficult. With time will come acceptance and a clearer mindset to make useful change happen.

Yet, it doesn’t all come instantly. I try to remind myself of points like this regularly because negative thinking, when times get tough, is a difficult habit to break out of.

We all have positive and negative thinking habits. This does not mean our ways of thinking are permanently broken.

And finally…

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

(and shake it all about)

As always, thank you for reading!

My question for you is:

How do you handle unpleasant feelings?

You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook for more updates!

If you liked this post, share it with others!

It’s Important To Do the Things You Enjoy

It’s obvious. But it’s really important

You’re not bored, you’re not happy – you’re mindless.

One thing that I’ve said about being addicted to your phone is that it’s just a really bad habit but unfortunately, a really effective one.

A basic model of how habits are formed are the three Rs – Reminder, Routine, Reward. (I didn’t come up with this myself – Charles Duhigg is my best source). The easier these are to come about, the habit is much more likely to stick.

For our phones it’s this:

Reminder(s): notifications, the phone always being in arms reach, needing it for certain tasks (like alarms)
Routine(s): scrolling through social media, texting a friend, watching a video
Reward: The small pleasure centre in our brains reacting to some kind of approval.

The problem is that these rewards you gain from social media and watching videos may not be deeply satisfying. Instead, it’s just enough to stop you from getting extremely bored but not enough to entertain you significantly.

You’re hovering just above boredom but nowhere near happiness.

I fall victim to this all the time. I spend time doing things that don’t really interest me. They entertain me in the short-term but leave me feeling like rubbish quickly afterwards.

Given that I’m in pain a lot of the time and that impacts my concentration, I want to fill the time that I have with more enjoyment than superficial rubbish.

mohamed-nohassi-223475 — Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

What do you really enjoy?

All of this seems mighty obvious. To be happy, do things that make you happy.

However, it serves us well to actually think about what makes us happy then think about whether we actually follow through with that.

For example, we might want to think more often:

What are the things that make me happy in the short-term but guilty in the long-term?
What leaves me feeling really satisfied with myself?
Do I spend more time on things that are simply easy or do I challenge myself?
Am I doing the same thing over and over again?
How often do I end the day feeling satisfied?
How often do I start the day feeling encouraged by the plan I have set out?

These questions have helped me better understand what I actually enjoy rather than those activities that are simply easy to do. Rather than going to the path of least resistance, you spend more time carving out a life that you really want to live.

As a result, you may find that after answering these questions that finding happiness in your day requires a bit more self-discipline than you may have expected!

Being satisfied and happy isn’t simply a case of doing “whatever you want” because that can be quite difficult to judge. Rather, we need to think more deeply about the things that we enjoy, then experiment with ways to fill our time with more of it.

The benefit of this approach I’ve found is that it stops everything turning into an obligation. Rather, you want to do certain things because you’re confident that they’ll do good things for your mental health. For example, why would you miss a workout if you know you’ll feel good after and during it?

You wouldn’t. Exercising is something that has a much greater potential to make you happy than sitting down and eating Pringles like they’re going out of fashion. (I promise this does not come from personal experience…)

Seneca writes that one of our biggest problems is that we “live as though we’ll live forever”, waste it on meaningless things then complain that life is too short.

Ok, but what if I don’t have the energy?

What do you do when you want to do something you’ll enjoy but simply can’t because of something like chronic pain?

It’s easy to do the easiest thing (like watch videos mindlessly for hours) because you lack energy. So for me, all of these mindless activities tend to come in the evening after a day of being active in some way.

Here are two things I’ve found help:

High energy and Low energy activities

Split the things you enjoy into high energy and low energy activities. For me, it goes like this:

High energy: Writing, reading non-fiction, exercising

Low energy: Reading fiction, calming yoga, Netflix

2. Don’t worry about it

Worrying about how you spend your time is likely to tire you out even more and make you feel extremely guilty. Sometimes, you just don’t have a lot of energy and you just want to watch videos for a while.

Set a good intention for yourself and enjoy the time you have.

It’s important but think about it, don’t worry about it.

When I was reminded of this concept, I began to feel guilty about how I spend my time (I’ve been like this for years). It’s because I turned the things I want to do into things I have to do.

If you don’t reach an obligation you feel bad.

If you make everything an obligation, you’re likely to feel bad because you can’t do everything.

Not everything is an obligation. Remind yourself of that when you find yourself saying “I should do this and should do that”.

So set out to fill more of your time with the things you enjoy doing. Be mindful of this intention because it is a helpful reminder that our time is often limited by things out of our control.

It sounds ominous but it’s true. Seneca writes that one of our biggest problems is that we “live as though we’ll live forever”, waste it on meaningless things then complain that life is too short.

Perhaps life isn’t too short. Regardless, let’s take the time to do things we enjoy.

If anything, we deserve it.

As always, thank you for reading!

My question for you is:

What do you enjoy and what do you want to do more of?

You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook for more updates!

(Happy 100th post to meeee!)

The Ten Thousand Joys and Ten Thousand Sorrows

At some point, we will all experience one of the ten thousand joys, and ten thousand sorrows.

Hearing of the “ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows” was important to me. It brought me back to one of the biggest aims I have for myself.

To be whole.

To be with emotional experiences rather than avoid them. To appreciate that sometimes, I’ll be sad, other times I’ll be happy. Neither of them will last forever and that’s OK.

We all experience a large variety of emotions. Whether that’s sadness or happiness. Anger or grief. Disappointment or excitement. A lot of the time, we try to resist the negative ones and prolong the positive ones. Underneath these experiences, we might have a small story building in our heads about how “this must end because it’s not fair” or “I wish this will last forever”.

These stories demonstrate a resistance to our emotions rather than an acceptance of them. I’ll demonstrate:

If I’m happy because I’m out with friends, I may begin to think to the future about how this night will have to end or why I don’t do it more often. The effects of this might not be obvious in the moment, but it can easily hit us at the end. We wanted it to last longer.

If I’m sad because I’m in pain, I might begin to grow angry at life. Why must I hurt so much? Why must this happen to me? I want it to hurry up and end. Unfortunately, this eagerness to avoid the emotions I’m currently experiencing prolongs it. I’m adding emotional suffering on top of physical suffering.

I’ve been forced to be a bit more introspective and live with my thoughts a bit more because pain can leave me bed ridden for hours on end. The world is presenting me a great opportunity to be sad. One that is near impossible to refuse. The door is open and I’m already halfway in.

This is the usual part of the story where one might say that you fight against it and become happy again. The constant desire to be happy makes us more likely to resist more negative emotions rather than accept that they are only one of the ten thousand sorrows. Thankfully, we will also have ten thousand joys.

The constant desire to be happy can result in significant disappointment when it doesn’t happen. Sadness becomes an enemy rather than just an emotions that comes and goes with time. Often, I found that I would miss moments of happiness in fear of it being taken away.

When people go on to say that their life goal is to be happy, I’ve realised that it isn’t something I want to aim for.

I want to be emotionally whole.

It means to accept and acknowledge the wide range of emotions that we have. We’re allowed to be sad, angry, happy, loving, all sorts of things. I do not believe that we should think of these emotions in reference to happiness (And how they’re either not happiness or just an extended form of it) but rather, we can just accept them.

Because we’re going to experience them anyway.

Placing yourself in the position of a fighter is a helpful story to tell yourself when you’re in a bad place. You’re fighting against the negativity with positivity and good vibes. But what happens when that fails? Does that mean the sadness is winning and you’re failing?

I’m not sure. So it’s worthwhile to think about the story you tell yourself in a bit more detail. Do you really want to spend your time fighting against negativity with positivity? Is that a positive thing to do?

Rather, we might want to adopt the metaphor that we let the sadness in, warm it up with acceptance then see calm embrace the room.

In some sense, we’re lucky to be able to feel such a large range of emotions. In many ways, it shows us that we’re capable of caring about things instead of feeling complete and utter apathy either towards ourselves or towards the things that we want to care about.

I’ve disliked apathy for a very long time. Primarily because there have been pockets in my life where I’ve experienced it for so long. Accepting the wide range of emotions that we have, helps soothe the negative emotions away and appreciate the positive ones. We give these emotions our attention rather than being passively consumed by it.

If you’re feeling sad, you can simply say “sadness is being experienced by me” or “sadness exists”.

If you’re feeling happy – “happiness exists… and I’m happy that it exists”

Separating yourself from the negative, even in your speech, can be the start no longer being overwhelmed by the emotion.

Separating yourself from the positive helps you acknowledge it and not let it pass without your attention.

Doing this really does help us move closer to the “goal” of appreciating the range of our ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows.

Striving to be happy is noble but I think, if taken too seriously, strips us from the richness other emotions can have. To do this, we need to slow down and live our days with a bit more mindfulness.

So that is the quest for wholeness. It is difficult and does require practice – I’m certainly nowhere close. However simply reminding myself of this desire does have a calming effect on me. I hope it does for you too.

The quest for wholeness. It requires we pay a bit more attention to ourselves and how we’re feeling. We will be happy and we will be sad. We will be angry, and we will be excited. And that’s OK – they all pass and change with time.

Engaging life challenges us to be fully present and actively involved in our moment-to-moment experience, without clinging to joy and without resisting sorrow.

~ Toni Bernhard

As always, thank you for reading.

I will add – this certainly isn’t to say all negative emotions are good. Please do not misconstrue my message for that. I have nothing to say about the qualities of depression yet for I haven’t arranged my thoughts on it. I will some day and it’ll be here for you to read.

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter for more updates!

The highlight reel

There have been times when I look through Facebook and see my friends having good times at parties. Or I talk to an old friend and find that they’re doing really well for themselves. Better than I am, even. Yet, instead of just being genuinely happy for them, I find myself becoming frustrated with myself and ask all sorts of questions.

Why am I not as sociable as them?

Why aren’t I doing more?

Why can’t I just be as happy as them?

Or if I’m on the other side of the see-saw looking down I might become judgemental in an effort to validate my own position.

While these questions may not be expressed explicitly, they definitely capture the attitudes felt at the time. What’s wrong with them?

The Highlight Reel

The habit of comparing yourself to others is one of many negatives where positives can be found in other, much healthier habits.

The comparisons we make tend to be unfair. Very rarely do we compare every part of our lives with every part of the other person’s life. We simply aren’t presented with everything the other person does. A tweet can’t explain a whole 24 hours in detail. However, we have access to all the exciting and boring things we might do.

With this simple imbalance of information we end up comparing our seemingly mundane lives to the highlight reels of others.

We see the parties, smiles, peacefulness and fun that others experience and see ourselves sitting down staring at our computers looking at other people. Of course we’ll feel bad after that! Who wouldn’t?

Now, what if you compare your best moments to the best moments of others and still feel bad?

The comparison remains useless. The happy moments of others in comparison to your own needn’t matter to you as you can only experience the things you do. Spending time appreciating them instead of becoming disappointed that you haven’t done more does disservice to the good things you’ve experienced in the past. It’s like saying “I don’t deserve to be happy because other people are happier”. Do you think that’s true? I truly hope not.

What about competition?

An oft-made point about comparison is that it’s healthy because a bit of competition is healthy. And of course, you need to compare yourself to others in order to compete. Therefore, some comparison can be healthy.

With this I agree and disagree. But mostly disagree.

Competitiveness can be healthy in an environment where it’s regulated and furthers development of the people involved. Places like this include: rugby matches, board games with younger siblings and spelling bees.

Comparing yourself to others in endless (and difficult to measure metrics), does not fall into the category of healthy competitiveness. We’ll always find something else to compare ourselves to meaning we’ll always lose and feel bad. It’s a waste of time, energy and only moves us further away from feeling better about ourselves for the things we’ve done.

Instead, look to find inspiration in others. If you see someone doing well, take the time to be happy for them. Then ask how you can incorporate the good things they’ve done to better yourself. When I read my favourite writers, I find it futile to complain they’re doing better than I. Rather, I ask how I can make improvements to my own writing and value their contribution to writing. After all, I wouldn’t view them as role models otherwise.

The difference between finding inspiration and competing with others can appear slight but the difference is important. One comes comes from compassion and the other results in negativity.

How do I stop comparing myself to others?

Understand that it’s harmful. It makes us feel less satisfied, and worse about ourselves. Or it can make us far too judgemental.
Focus on your own victories. The victories we focus on do not need to be huge. They can be as small as making lunch for ourselves or as large as completing a long-term project
Watch the urge. The urge to compare ourselves to others sneaks up on us quietly. When you do catch it, stop and remind yourself you don’t need to compare yourself to others to find satisfaction with yourself.
Focus on yourself. Comparing yourself to others takes time away from yourself. The things you want to accomplish will continue to be put on hold because you’re spending time feeling bad about not being as far ahead as another person.
Breathe. Slow down and take time to appreciate yourself.

Ending the needless comparisons will help us get closer being content with ourselves. Then we can move forward with more compassion for ourselves and others. Removing comparisons and focusing on ourselves does not mean we should become self-centred and shut off everyone else.

It means we should shift our focus and find value in our own accomplishments, however big or small, and use that to grow and celebrate progress.

***

Here are some links you might find helpful/interesting:

The Heartbreaking Cruelty of comparing yourself to others.

Facebook makes us sadder and less satisfied: 1 2

As always, thanks for reading :)

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